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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  August 22, 2018 1:40am-2:10am PDT

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crying continuing ) crying continuing ) sure you're my brother? hank! hank, hey, wait, don't go. hank, don't go! all right, i've had enough, dad. ( grunting) there's a baby crying in the house. well, go fix it. you go fix it. i ain't getting near that child. he's possessed! he's just leaking a little milk. sure, it's disturbing, but he'll grow out of it. how do you know? are you a leaker? are you leaking on me right now? ( crying stops) you hear that? that silence? g.h.? something's wrong.
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( whispering ): isn't it amazing? it's the greatest dang feeling in the world. [patriotic music] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [tense music] "separation anxiety." [tense music continues] - last week, the trump administration announced a new policy to deter illegal immigration. if any families are caught entering illegally from mexico,
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border patrol will take the children away from their parents indefinitely. which is a horrible proposal and a great plot for the mexican reboot of "taken." just be like, "i have a particular set of skills. "i will find you, and i will kill you. "but first, i need to approve my visa. then i'm coming for you, man." so it's a scary time to be an immigrant in america. in fact, it's gotten so bad that during the world cup, all the announcers on telemundo have started whispering. like, "he passes to the winger, and... [quietly] "goal! shh!" so every day the trump administration has been inching closer to their goal of being the norway of the west. but after enacting their latest policy of taking children away from their parents at the border, they seem to have hit a wall. - the battle over the trump administration's zero tolerance policy on immigration is intensifying, with lawmakers in both parties condemning it as cruel and inhumane. - members of the president's own party
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say the policy is un-american. former first lady laura bush wrote, "our government should not be in the business of warehousing children in converted box stores." - evangelicals, people like franklin graham calling it disgraceful. cardinal dolan called it unjust. the pope tweeted this. "children must be able to play, study, and grow in a peaceful environment. woe to anyone who stifles their joyful impulse to hope!" - damn. if even the catholic church is judging you for how you treat children, you done [bleep] up. and-- and it's not hard-- it's not hard to see why anyone with a soul is upset, right? we've all heard the stories about traumatized children, the federal government deporting parents but keeping their kids. we've even seen images of how homeland security is holding some of these children in cages. there's no way that you can defend this... unless you work at fox & friends.
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because i don't know if you guys know this, but apparently that cage is not a cage. - we got, from the border patrol, some of the images inside these detention facilities. look, i'm from a farm community. to me, i see the chain link fences, it's more like a-- like a security pen to me. you do see some fencing, but keep in mind, some have referred to them as cages. but keep in mind, this is a great big warehouse facility where they built walls out of chain link fences. - wow. i never, ever thought i would hear a positive spin on detaining children. just like, "look, i'm a cage-half-full kind of guy. "you know, after all, what is a chain link fence "if not a wall made of silver linings? i mean, think about it." look, man, we're not idiots. a cage is a cage. now, some have argued that, although these images of the cages are disturbing, those kids that have been separated from their parents only stay there for 72 hours. the first 72 hours. after that, they get a free upgrade. - nearly 1,500 boys between 10 and 17 years old
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now live in a converted big box store we're shown the boys' rooms, meant for four beds now with five, classrooms for civics and english lessons. the kids play video games, shoot pool, and play foosball. - they're getting school and soccer and video games and three squares and two snacks and plenty of sleep. - they're being fed well, they've--go on field trips. - the staff there give them toiletries; they give them new clothes. - the conditions that they're in here in america, where they have good meals; they have air-conditioning; they have tv; they're being treated much better than most of the conditions i'm being told they left. - yeah, okay, you know what? maybe you're right. maybe these detention centers are nicer than where these kids were living in honduras. but that's not really the point. the point is, the federal government is effectively stealing kids away from their parents. like, if some guy in an unmarked van took your kids from the park, the last thing you'd be worried about as a parent is how nice the van was or whether they had the good candy.
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it wouldn't be like, "ma'am, your child was kidnapped"... "oh, no!" "by a man driving a bentley." "oh, oh, wow. oh. "okay, you can stop looking. yeah. you can stop looking." no. nobody's thinking like that. and you know what's been particularly shameful is how the trump administration has tried to sidestep the backlash. for instance, this is kirstjen nielsen, the secretary of homeland security and ikea bookshelf. according to her, the administration had nothing to do with this at all. - parents who entered illegally are by definition criminals. by entering our country illegally, often in dangerous circumstances, illegal immigrants have put their children at risk. congress and the courts created this problem, and congress alone can fix it. this administration did not create a policy of separating families at the border. we are a country of compassion. we are a country of heart. - okay, no. i'm sorry. that's some bullshit, right? that's--that's just some bullshit.
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[cheers and applause] "we're a country of compassion; a country of heart"? you can't do a fatality on someone and then call it friendship. that's not how it works. because this administration did create this policy, right? it's pretty ballsy to blame congress for it, when three people from your administration already said it was a trump team idea. this is--it's bs. it's like if beethoven said that beethoven's 5th was written by johann nepomuk hummel. first of all, beethoven, your name is in the title. okay? we know that. and second, we all know that hummel's work relied more heavily on the piano and on pressing the limits of modernity. don't even front on that shit, man! sorry. classical music. anyway... [cheers and applause] and like-- here's the thing. nielsen's deceptiveness doesn't even come close to the commander in chief. because like his space force, his lies are out of this world. - president trump falsely blaming democrats for his own policy. - i hate it. i hate the children being taken away. the democrats have to change their law.
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that's their law. they were forced-- [reporters clamoring] that-- [reporters clamoring] quiet. quiet. - why are you lying about it? - that's the democrats' law. we can change it tonight. we can change it right now. - you're the president. you change-- - i will leave here-- no, no. - sessions-- you need their votes. - you-- you need their votes. - all right, first of all, no one believes that the democrats are to blame here. the democrats are like an iphone 5 at 5:00 p.m. they have no power, all right? in fact... [cheers and applause] in fact, the democrats have a bill in congress right now that would stop the government from separating undocumented kids from their parents, but because no republicans have signed on, they can't get it passed. so look. president trump, you got two options, man. either you can own the fact that this was your plan all along and you don't "hate" this policy of keeping kids in cages or you can call up the one person in america with more power than you, beyoncé. because-- [cheers and applause] because if anyone knows how to organize an epic release, it's her.
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we'll be right back. [tense music] in the united states. perfect for making tennessee whiskey. charcoal mellowed drop by drop for smooth sipping. ♪ which is the not the easy way... but it's his way. ♪ but it's his way. (thomas) nice choices! you see, now verizon lets you mix and match your family unlimited plans like you mix and match your flavors. so you get what you want, without paying for things you don't. number 6. i know. where do i put it? in my belly. (vo) one family. different unlimited plans. starting at $40 per line on the network you deserve. designed to save you money. wireless network even when you've got serious binging to do. wherever your phone takes you, your wireless bill is about to cost a whole lot less. use less data with a network that has the most wifi hotspots where you need them and the best 4g lte everywhere else. saving you hundreds of dollars a year. and ask how you get xfinity mobile included with your internet. plus, get $300 back when you buy a new smartphone.
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♪ [patriotic music] [tense music] ♪ - people have been outraged all week about this story. and it didn't help when trump's friend and part-time adviser corey lewandowski headed south of the decency border. - former trump campaign manager corey lewandowski on defense right now after appearing to mock reports of an undocumented 10-year-old girl with down syndrome being separated from her mother. - i read today about a 10-year-old girl with down syndrome who was taken from her mother and put in a cage. - womp, womp. - i read about a--a-- did you say "womp, womp" to a 10-year-old with down syndrome being taken from her mother? - what i said is, you can pick anything you want... - how dare you? - but the bottom line... - how dare you? - is very clear. - yeah, he did just say "womp, womp." which is funny, because that's what he's gonna hear in the afterlife. "wait, i'm in hell?" "yeah, you are. womp, womp." [cheers and applause]
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- every day, the family separation stories have gotten worse and worse. the outrage has grown. first, we found out that the kids were being snatched from their parents at the border. then we learned they were being kept in cages. and yesterday, we were reminded, "oh, yeah, they have toddlers too." - the trump administration is sending babies separated from their parents to at least three facilities in south texas known as "tender age" shelters. - i'm standing outside of casa el presidente. it is one of the three "tender age" shelters that the associated press reported on. inside there, there are children, as they define "tender age," ten years and younger. - sweet lord. "tender age shelter." that's a hell of a fancy way to pronounce "baby jail." that's a real euphemism. it's like calling a cross burning a meatless barbecue. and so yesterday people found out that the federal government was snatching children as young as eight months from their parents. and people were rightfully outraged;
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not just at trump but also at his homeland security secretary and cinderella's step-sister, kirstjen nielsen. - the face of the trump administration's controversial family separation policy, homeland security secretary kirstjen nielsen, blasted by protesters overnight while trying to eat dinner at a mexican restaurant in the nation's capital. crowd: shame! - nielsen tried to ignore the shouting before finally leaving. - you know, this is the one time someone actually wanted a mariachi band to come to their table. she was like, "guys, can-- can you get over here? play that song. play it louder." [vocalizing "jarabe tapatío"] ♪ all week--all week, the big story has been about liberal activists confronting trump and his senior officials over his immigration policies.
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but according to some, this anger is just playing straight into trump's enormously small hands. - this is the kind of behavior that rubs a lot of people the wrong way, and they say, "if you're going to attack a president like this "and the people who work for him, i'm simply going to vote against you." - this may help the republicans not lose the house. - the more that the critics get enraged, the more they drive people towards president trump. - it's a slam-dunk for trump. - slam-dunk for trump. wow. that's a phrase i never thought i'd hear. the physics just don't seem possible. you know? but still, the question is, does liberal outrage at trump only drive more people to his side? well, for answers, we turn to our senior civility correspondent, michael kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause] michael, this is-- this is-- this is really confusing. - well, i know it seems confusing, trevor, but those pundits are absolutely right. it's like when my girlfriend kept accusing me of wanting to sleep with karen. you know, she brought it up so much
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that eventually, i slept with karen... again. i had already slept with-- i'm not a great person. i'm just making the point. - wait, wait, wait. what is the point again? - the point is, like my girlfriend, all the liberals screaming and shouting annoys people so much it makes them vote for trump. - but wait, isn't that a double standard here, michael? i mean, like, the president's supporters want civility, but he's out there calling people bitches and saying that some women are too ugly to assault. - he's just telling it how it is. i mean, sorry if it triggers you, but it's funny. - okay, but then robert de niro saying "[bleep] trump" at the tony awards? - that's crude. okay? that is crude and disgusting. if george washington saw what's become of the tony awards, trevor, i'm just glad he's dead. - well, here's the thing. i guess i just don't understand how people could be more offended at language than policies. you know, like, how conservatives flipped out when peter fonda tweeted that trump's children should be locked in a cage. - and how dare he, trevor?
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how dare peter fonda, the star of "ulee's gold," the 123rd top grossing movie of 1997, a man with that kind of power, say the president's child should be locked up. - yep, but the president is actually locking up children right now. - okay, yeah, but so what? sometimes you gotta lock kids up. but to threaten to lock kids up, i just thank god abraham lincoln was shot to death before he read that tweet. - okay, but just so we're clear, this is the same side that cheered on corey lewandowski when he mocked a girl with down syndrome being taken away from her parents. - do you even have jokes in africa, trevor? lewandowski wasn't mocking the girl. he was mocking people who think a girl with down syndrome being separated from her family is sad. - but it is sad. if you don't think that, you're heartless. - oh, really, trevor? you're calling trump voters heartless? guess what. they just got ten more trump votes right there.
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- wait, wait. i just got him ten more votes? that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. - oh, and now they're stupid too? now those ten people are definitely voting for trump. - didn't you just say that they were already voting for trump? - [stammers] they might have forgotten. those people are kind of stupid. - so let me get this straight. if liberals criticize trump, he'll get more votes. but if they don't do anything, then he wins anyway. so how can they win the situation? - don't ask me. i mean, i had a girlfriend and karen, and now they've both kicked me out. you know, i'm just glad ronald reagan is too dead to see this proud american reduced to sleeping in the office of his african boss. - whoa, whoa. wait, you're sleeping in my office? - hey, that's trevor noah, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you very much. yeah. [tense music]
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♪ ♪ [patriotic music] [tense music] - over the past few days, outrage has been growing around the trump administration's new policy of taking kids from their parents at the border. and this issue is not going away. it's like strip club glitter. you know? yeah. the secret is to use sticky tape. a lot of people don't know that. now, with a lot of trump's other unpopular policies, republican lawmakers have kept quiet and done nothing. but this time may be different.
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- a growing number of republicans are urging the administration to end family separations. - the president has the ability to stop this if he'd like. - when the president is saying that this is all on the democrats, that it's their law, that's just not right. that's not true. - it's not american to do this. - well, the white house could change it in five minutes, and they should. - i think the whole thing is a hot mess. - all of us who are seeing these images of children being pulled away from-- from moms and dads in tears, we're horrified. this has to stop. - i never thought i'd say this, but i agree with ted cruz. [laughter] seriously. no, look. we've given ted cruz a hard time on this show, but let's give him props. he wants to solve this problem. [cheers and applause] yeah. and--and i think we need to solve it before ted cruz decides to go to these detention centers himself. because these kids have been through enough. they'll be like, "please! please! "please! let me out of this cage! "let me out-- oh! what's that?
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"no, no. keep me in. "keep me in. whoa. "is that what you guys have on the outside? "yeah, no, no, i'll stay in here. i'll stay in here." please welcome congress member karen bass. [cheers and applause] - welcome to the show. - thank you. thanks for having me on. - it really is the perfect time to have you on because of your experience not just in congress and on immigration but also with regards to the child welfare system. let's talk a little bit about this policy that the trump administration has now implemented separating kids from their parents. there's one element that people don't seem to think about, and that is, where are the kids going to go if they're taken away indefinitely? what strain does that put on the u.s. system? - well, first of all, the foster care system is exploding right now because of the opioid crisis. so we don't have enough foster homes now for kids who are abused or neglected.
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that's the purpose of the system: to protect children. - right. - the idea that we would separate children as a punishment and as a deterrent so people won't come and their parents won't do this, is just egregious. - this just seems like one of those situations where everyone seems to agree on it, and yet there are many who side with trump; there are many who say, "oh, i mean, "if these people come here illegally, "they're breaking the law, and if you break the law, "your children are taken away from you. and that's what congress has to change." how do you respond to that? - well, a couple of things. many of the people, if not the majority of them, especially from central america, they're not coming illegally. they are abiding by international law. they are presenting themselves for asylum. that's not illegal. and so because the trump administration wants to change the asylum laws, they are essentially using this as blackmail. they're holding the children hostage to force congress to change legal immigration. - that's a-- that's a phrase that we've heard
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bandied about quite a bit recently is that the trump administration is using these kids as leverage. - yes. - we've seen donald trump say on numerous occasions "vote." he said we can vote and we can change this law. but it's not as simple as that, is it? - well, no. and actually, we do know now that this policy is not a law. this is a policy that the trump administration put into place. so they say congress did this. no, congress didn't do it. - right. - he could pick up the phone right now and end this if he wants to. we do need comprehensive immigration reform. i'm afraid we're not gonna get that until we change the house of representatives and the senate and the white house. and when that changes, we'll get comprehensive immigration reform. - children in dhs and hhs custody are being well taken care of. we have high standards. we give them meals. we give them education. we give them medical care. there's videos. there's tvs. - wow. meals, education. what's anyone even complaining about? except you see, again, this is the same type of excuse
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that they used in the '40s to defend america's japanese internment camps. - [old-timey announcer voice] oh, yes. they're merely dislocated people. [regular voice] yes. uh, who dislocated them again? [old-timey announcer voice] that doesn't matter. not important. [regular voice] so look. today's situation isn't the same, but the excuses sure sound familiar. in fact, they're as old as america itself, which unfortunately makes them too old to be locked up in a "tender age" shelter. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [tense music]
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[patriotic music] [tense music]
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- homeland security secretary kirstjen nielsen says the government will meet today's deadline to reunite all eligible children and parents who were separated at the border. - that's right. move over, thai soccer team that takes weird-ass field trips, some other kids are being rescued now. yeah! and it's all thanks to the commander in chief. [mimics air horn blasting] this is so amazing, man. all the migrant children who were torn away from their families at the border will now be reunited. yes. except for the hundreds of kids who won't be reunited. yeah, but i don't think we should focus on the numbers when we're talking about children. i mean, i believe the children are the future. you teach them well and something something something something. and i know-- i know there are naysayers out there who'll be like, "oh, but who took these kids away from their parents in the first place?" who cares? who cares? look. that only matters if you're trying to prevent that from happening again. the point is that trump fixed it.

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